Thursday, April 28, 2011

Key Art: Entry Two



Motherf*cking Wild Beasts. Zoo animals get hopped up on PCP because of the requisite contamination of the city's water supply. Party animal mayhem ensues. Humans die.

Does anyone else wish this would happen for realzies? I kind of hate zoos. Where does a fellow get a metric ton of PCP these days?

I also really love it when the art selections from every country are across the boards badass.











Friday, April 15, 2011

Key Art: Entry One

So... apparently the cadre of Hollywood financier types got together recently and figured out that movies suck. Great job guys. I'm glad you had to have a summit to come to this conclusion. I would have just popped Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 into the the DVD player and called it a day.

And so these folks came to the conclusion that people aren't going to see movies because the quality of these films is so abysmal. True.

But know what else sucks a big fat one which could also contribute to the lack of asses in theater seats, Hollywood? Your publicity materials.

Your key art is laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

So every once and a while, in the hopes of bringing this fact to Hollywood's attention, I'll be posting some key art which I personally think does NOT snorkel dorks.

So happy effing Friday and enjoy the first submissions. I'm gonna go barf up some residual alcohol.

You just gotta love that tag line.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Dream Journal: Entry One

I am inside a crumbling Victorian mansion. Two stories. I have been here before.

I am with my friend. This friend I have never seen him before in my waking life. He is stocky with glasses and slightly curly hair. He could be Jonah Hill but he isn't.

We are upstairs and I am filled with dread. An aristocratic vampire of great power resides in this crumbling mansion and he springs on us from the gloom. He seizes my Jonah Hill-type friend and bites into his neck. There is nothing I can do to aid him so I bolt to escape through one of the windows, fearing for my own life.

I fall out of the second story and land in a heap on the overgrown lawn. Afternoon and the sun still hangs in the sky. I look up to the window where I have fallen from and make eye-contact with the ghoul inside. I don't hear his words but his message is communicated to me. When the sun goes down, he is coming after me.

I am in my car, the make and model unknown. I am in an industrial area of what could be Long Beach and it is still the same afternoon. I find a bundle of small stakes for fencing purposes and feeling lucky to have stumbled upon them, pick them up and toss them into the back seat of the car.

Arriving at my mother's home, I enter through the front door and finding her, I frantically recount the tale of my encounter with the vampire. I end with a request for her to gather up all the crucifixes she has in her house and bring them to me. She does not believe the story but sensing my distress, humors me by supplying the crucifixes. At this time, my brother enters through the door and greets us. While my mother fills him in on my outlandish story, I run outside to fetch the stakes from the car.

When I re-enter my mother’s home, just inside the front door, I find the vampire and my friend in wait.

The vampire has transformed my friend into one of his kind.

Crossing my stakes, forming an “t”, I force them both into a corner near the door. Taking what chance I have, I leap forward and drive one of the stakes into my friend’s chest, piercing his heart and killing him. Blood gushes from the wound and he collapses.

I retreat to find my mother and brother, who now facing the vampire in the flesh, believe my tale whole-heartedly.

I take a cross from my mother’s hand, a small wooden keepsake of her father, a minister, the face of Jesus Christ sculpted at the center of the cross. Using the relic, I attempt to force the ghoul into a corner where I will attempt to slay him. His face sinks in color, becoming a cold, corpulant, green and his eyes turn into dark crimson. My zeal and strength are not enough to subdue him though and the vampire is able to overcome the force of the cross in my hand.

Power returns to him and he prepares to attack us

________________________________________________________________________________________________


Later that same night...


I am in a residential neighborhood, streets lined with leafy trees. It's kind of like Marty McFly's neighborhood in Back to the Future.


I have found a strange object.

Equatable in shape and size to a hockey puck, holding it in my hand, I can sense it's power. Limitless. There are six glowing shapes, uniform, surrounding a circle at its center. I postulate it's origins, leaning towards outer space but entertaining thoughts of government weapons programs.

A siren's song from the device perks my interest. It's calling to me. Putting thoughts in my head.

Can I communicate with this thing? Something inside tells me I can manipulate it, teach it to do whatever I have dreamed of. The first thing I imagine is a laser beam.

The device shifts and the circle at its center grows brighter and bluer, more prominent. I hold the puck out, pointing the circle to the sky, and imagine firing a laser beam. And then a blue laser beam fires from the center of the puck, tearing through the sky. Holding one of my fingers over the center circle, I inadvertently slice off the tip of my ring finger in the process. There is little pain as the wound is instantly cauterized.

I make mental note to keep my hands away from the center when firing lasers from the device.

I know also, that this laser has caught the attention of others out there, who are searching for the device.

I retreat to my friends house, who lives in the nearby. They aren't home but I let myself in and move to their kitchen.

In the kitchen, I utilize the power of the device, manipulating its energies to make myself fly. I hold onto the thoughts of flight and within moments, I am drifting awkwardly off the ground. As if gravity is easy up around me, I spin and wriggle, bumbling through the air, floating towards the ceiling. I am gaining control, but still far from perfecting it, I bump against the ceiling, continuing to float about the kitchen awkwardly. After a time, I am able to control it enough that I ease myself to the ground.

Looking out a window in the kitchen, I see the sky is filled with helicopters, buzzing rooftops in search of me and the device. I just know this.

My friend has arrived home now and with their help, I go into their garage to design and fashion a make-shift suit of armor for my protection. I'm not sure how or where we gather the items, but we craft a suit of incredibly heavy metal. I cannot even move, the suit is so heavy. The device aids us in manipulating its construction. I feel like a human tractor.

The only non-metal aspect of the suit is my head piece, guarded in a white football helmet.

The device and I are becoming further entwined in thought. It knows my intention and gives me the strength to move in the suit. Flight has become much easier now and I glide out, settling on my friend's roof.

A few of the helicopters have spotted me however and I must take evasive flight. With great speed, I rocket through the sky and land on a random house in the same neighborhood. Entering an upstairs sun-room, I find the house to be swarming with SWAT and I must do battle with them in the sun-room. I feel like Robocop, swinging my massive metal-clad limbs, and knocking out cops left and right.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Municipal Art Projects: Bike racks, terrible.


City sponsored art projects are not chill.

While on occasion they may result in an allocation of municipal funds to a much-deserving artist in need of funding and exposure or cull the efforts of some elusive master, bolstering them to enhance the aesthetics of a particular location by fashioning a wondrous and inspiring piece, altering and developing the iconography of the city landscape - they more often than not look like cheap crap.

Something I'd be angry to see in my neighbors yard. Marring the faces of cities across the globe, scarring them with insipid creations of all shapes and sizes. Stupid, stupid stuff.

Perhaps it has something to do with the amount of retardation involved in the allocation of government funds or perhaps it has something to do with a particular project requiring approval from a "board" or "committee". I think about a room full of city employees deciding "democratically" which piece of art will do the most for their city and I get chills. Terrifying.

The results are equally scary.

The monstrosity of choice lately seems to be the bike rack. Propaganda tool of municipalities jumping on the "eco-friendly" wagon, trying to represent their cities as "bike-friendly" by turning bicycle racks into community eye-sores.

I do not want to see people doing shit like this.

I do not want to get close to these things, whatever the hell they are, let alone hitch my bike up to their spindly legs. I feel like my eyes might get gouged out just looking at them.

I don't want to lock my bicycle onto a small dude riding a bicycle. It's awkward for a variety of reasons.

I don't want to lock it to some stupid-looking dog that's fake peeing on my stuff either.

And it's not like the aren't artists out there who could craft a bike-hitching post which is both thoughtfully utilitarian and aesthetically captivating.

So if it isn't some monolithic creation of timeless beauty...



An intriguing work by David Byrne which is both alluring and unsettling...

Or a motherfucking purple and blue Triceratops...

Fuck off with your bike racks already.

They're ugly and they're hard to lock your bike up to, especially if you've been drinking.

Listen up cities! Quit being such cheap-skates with your art funding and if you are going to plaster the city in colorful bike racks then cough up some dough for something unique and well thought-out that doesn't make my eyes want to vomit.

Peace.